reflections Saturday, January 1, 2011

As I look back at my last 25 years of life I no longer think "what if" rather I'm thinking "this is where I'm supposed to be".

My life may not be "perfect" in your eyes but i'll let you know to me it is.

In the last 3 years alone (2007-now) my life has changed a whole lot. I'm not even sure where to start..all the things that have happened since March 17th, 2007 have brought me where I am today in my life. Some of it overwhelming, some of it beyond heartbreaking, & of course scary, & exciting parts as well...

I've been asked by people "if you could change anything about your past what would it be?" well in all honesty I wouldn't change a thing. If I did then I wouldn't be where I am in my life or have the amazing people I do have in my life ♥

2007 :

March - started dating s.d

April - moved in with s.d

June - became engaged

July - became pregnant

October - broke up & moved back to Calgary

During that year (2007) many people whom I thought were my friends walked away...but there were a select few that stayed true (i'll get to those wonderful people later).

2008:

February - baby shower

March - McKayla was due

April- had McKayla 12days late (6lbs 10 3/4oz 19.5inches)

June - was serviced court papers about visitation.

June 08 - December 09: in & out of court.

2009:

November - received McKayla's dk (angelman syndrome)

                   McKayla started having seizures. Spent 1wk in hospital. Almost lost her 3 times.

December 18th 2009 @ 9:30am - court...s.d signed his rights..

2010:

April - met Mark (again) at a friends bday party. "fell" for him right on the spot..

           Started dating mark.

May- McKayla started P.A.C.E (school) every friday.

         McKayla started in-home therapy.

July -McKayla stood on her own by pulling up to the coffee table.

July-December - McKayla started to walk holding your hands, the coffee table, ect.

2011 has just started by 18hrs...& I'm excited about what is to come...I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for, including my Momma..the most amazing & beautiful daughter ever, & the most amazing boyfriend a girl could ask for.

I am a rich girl ♥ my life is perfect for me...

Strong Enough Sunday, November 18, 2007

It's funny how life works. When we ended, I thought my life did to. I loved you so much, and I still do. You're always going to hold a special place in my heart. You did and still do mean a lot to me. But when it comes down to it, I don't need you at all. I'll do just find without you. The times we had were good, some even life changing. I'll never forget them, ever! It's to bad I was the only one who wanted "us" to be again, but it just goes to show who was STRONG ENOUGH to take the BAD with the GOOD, and the GOOD with the BAD...


Dreamz
11-15-07

...She... Sunday, December 30, 2007

She’s just an ordinary female who calls herself down at times. She has split personality. She believes in love. She talks a lot. She can be very negative. She’s obsessed with her cell phone. Music calms her soul. She’s a believer. She used to take things for granted. She’s a pretty impatient person. She loves her attention. Respect is a biggie for her. She has a small family. Sometimes she feels so alone. Her hearts been broken. She has REGRETS. She has secrets. She’s a secret shopaholic. She has only a few true friends. She’s a soon to be mother to a beautiful baby girl. . She stresses about everything possible. She’s always been a bitch. She doesn't get along with other girls. She absolutely despises ex-girlfriends. She’s addicted to chocolate. Her favorite thing to do is be on the computer. She’s in love. She has self-esteem. & She wants to get married one day. I'm sure your well aware that she is ME

. 

To My Baby Girl Friday, January 11, 2008

Everyday there is so many things I want to say to you! With every movement I realize more and more just how amazing and beautiful you really are. I've had so many feelings and emotions these last 7 months that my mind is going to explode if I don’t get them out! Just sitting here thinking about how you make me feel brings tears to my eyes, I never knew I could feel so much for someone I haven’t even meet yet. You've changed me in so many ways that it's hard for me to believe but McKayla you bring out the best in me, you make me better! I feel like my life has a purpose and now I actually want to achieve my goals to make a better life for you. Everyone tells me I have changed over the last few months and it really is true, my life is set on you and you're the only thing that matters right now. It never occurred to me that something so small could make me feel like I was so important that I was on top of the world and that it’s a very powerful and amazing feeling!

McKayla, I want and hope to give you everything in life that you're little heart needs and desires. I am going to give you the best life possible and one thing is for sure you will never ever have a lack of love in you're life! There’s so many people waiting and dreaming about the day that they get to meet you and believe me their all amazing people, you're going to love them just as much as I do! I don’t exactly know how to put into words just how much you mean to me, I promise to tell you everyday just how much I love you! Never in my life did I picture myself with children and now I can't picture a day without you baby girl. I know that you're going to be a wonderful person. I can't wait to see you! I guess what I’m really trying to say is I love you!

Monday, March 3, 2008

So I've been thinking lately about my ex and how awkward the break up was and how it really didn't make since at all. Been thinking about the times in the past, and I've been realizing I’m actually not over him... I never will be.... I love him and probably always will. He had my heart and kind of still does. Part of me is kind of hoping he will come back to me and we can act like nothings ever happened but at the same time, I believe that this is for the better, and that all he is now is a memory and the one that got away. 

I still have his number in my phone. I still talk to some of his friends and they still seem to care. I still have the photo booth pictures we took in my wallet. I kind of think he lied about throwing out his. I just don’t get it. He treated me so good, and he said he loved me and I know he meant it, he showed he loved me every day.... yeah we fought a little and the day he broke up with me I was nervous and because something didn't feel right... guess I had a reason to be scared. We did break up.

I’m trying to be strong and trying not to think about him or anything to do with him so I can move on. Its just kind of hard, if it made since it would be easier…

The only thing worse then losing him 
is the fact I lost him
its like half of me wants to get over him
and the other half wants to be with him
I guess ill always have that place in my heart for him!

...Update...Monday, March 10, 2008

First off, thank you to my Mom, she's wonderful! I'd honestly be lost without you right now. I wish I could express how much help you've been to me these last 9 months.<3
Second off, Thank you Chris, you're a great friend. I'm so thankful to have you in my life. You mean a lot to me! We've had a lot of good times together, and I know there is more to come. Thanks for coming to pick Mom and me up this morning (1am) from the hospital, that was awesome of you!<3

So yeah I had to go into the hospital last night because Saturday and part of Sunday I was having what felt like period cramping and then it turned into contractions at about 2pm. I was in the hospital for 2 hours or so and they confirmed I was having contractions...as if I didn't know that! lol. They were 5 minutes apart pretty much the whole time, until they finally slowed off and then stopped completely. They did an internal and I'm not leaking anything out of the ordinary as they said and my cervix is still closed. However it is starting to soften. So now I'm on complete and total bed rest (their words not mine). I have a doctors appointment tomorrow (Tuesday) so I‘ll see what he says. I only have 16 days left before I am due... If I have 10 or more contractions in an hour, begin to leak or start spotting I'm to go into the hospital immediately. 

Yay! It’s so exciting, but so nerve racking at the same damn time… I’ll keep everyone updated the best that I can :)


Tuesday March 11th, 2008
Okay so the doctors went well, he said Im 2cm dilated, but my water hasn't broke yet so it's the waiting game. I've been having more contractions (braxton hicks), but they're not close enough together yet to go in. He said she could be here any time now...Wow, so exciting!!! heh. She's a healthy weight so far (5lbs 14oz) so there's nothing to worry about.
I'll update more later when I know more!

Tuesday March 18th, 2008
So once again the doctors today went well. He said everything is just fine. He told me not to travel to much (I can't leave the city) as she could be here any time. He said he was thinking Sunday would be my day..So that's only 4 days early, but yet so exciting!
I didn't think it was possible to be so excited about someone I don't even know yet! I love her so much already.

...:Randomness:...Wednesday, March 19, 2008

So, make her laugh a little and help her get through.
She used to cry and no one knew. 
Help her out and treat her right. 
It's been awhile since she's smiled so bright. 
Show her that not all guys lie, and be the one that keeps her eyes dry.
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If you see me Smile..It's not because I forgot about You. It's because I got tired of Crying over You...If you see me living Again...It's not because I Moved on..It's because I hate the fact that...You can live Without me...